love & logic: tip #17

don't freak out, you haven't missed the previous 16 love & logic tips. i haven't actually shared any of the tips up till now, although they are all good and insightful. i am having a hard enough time sharing the basics without just rewriting the book, you know copyright laws and such. but this one is good. this one is something i have always always believed in, even before i knew it was a love & logic tip. i have used this very same outlook in all my years of teaching, lesson planning, and nannying. if you can keep this in the back of your head, using thinking words will start to come more naturally. promise. here you go, taken straight out of the book, love & logic tip #17:

let your "yes" be "yes", and your "no" be "yes" too

the word "no" is one of the biggest fighting words in the parental arsenal of commands. it is a child's call to arms, a shot across his bow. kids hear it far too often. in fact, parents of two-year-olds are known to say "no," in some form or another, 77% of the time. children gradually tire of hearing it. in fact, they hear it so much that the first word many children learn to say is "no" and variations of it. when kids hear "no" half of the time they ignore it. they hear it so much that sometimes they think it means "maybe," and other times they think it really means "yes." 

the rule with "no" is that we use it as seldom as possible. but when we use it, we mean business. all of the other times we are tempted to use "no," we can avoid a fight by replacing "no" with "yes" to something else. in this way we use thinking words instead of fighting words, and we establish the behavior we want. 

compare the two: 

fighting words: "no, you can't go out and play until you practice your lesson." 

thinking words: "yes, you may go out and play as soon as you practice your lesson." 

fighting words: "no, you can't watch television until your chores are done." 

thinking words: "yes, you may watch television as soon as your chores are done." 

love and logic: thinking words

setting limits through thinking words

rash words are like sword thrusts, 

but the tongue of the wise brings healing. 

proverbs 12:18

i am just about finished reading parenting with love and logic and i am so glad i decided to blog my way through it. even if it is just excessive ramblings to my readers, there is so much knowledge from cover to cover and blogging it out helps me absorb as much of it as i can. it also gives my husband the "cliffs notes" version, so we can be on the same page. that's the goal anyway. 

thinking words. the love and logic philosophy may recommend that parents shy away from issuing orders and imposing their solutions on their kids' problems, but that doesn't mean that it gives a licence to misbehavior. in fact, we set limits to the type of behavior we expect by making enforceable statements and giving choices. but how can we set limits on their behavior without telling them what to do? these limits give our children security, something they really need. 

thinking words, used in question form and expressed in enforceable statements are one of the keys to love and logic parenting. they help kids do exactly what we want them to do...think! it is never too late to start offering choices to your child, but the younger you start the easier it will be when they are older. if you have older kids, pick one or two situations that you are comfortable in offering choices. you can always work up to more once you (and they) get the hang of it. but if you have a young child at home, start now! here are some examples of thinking questions that you could use with a young child; 

instead of, "you put that coat on now!"

say, "would you rather carry your coat or wear it?" 

instead of, "because i said put your boots on, it is snowing outside!"

say, "would you rather put your boots on now or in the car?" 

instead of, "i'm trying to watch this football game, so be quiet!" 

say, "would you rather play nicely in front 

of the television or be noisy in your room?" 

seems easy right? i mean as i am reading the book and the not so clever examples they give, i think...this is so basic, duh. but guess what? in the heat of the moment your logic goes out the window. okay, maybe not yours but mine does. we had an ugly moment just this week. here i am totally absorbed in reading this book, and practicing it's methods and yet my 2 year goes totally bonkers in the car and i just loose it. i mean loose it. yelling, pointing my finger, making a million threats i could never follow through on. it wasn't pretty. did he pipe down, say he was sorry and beg for forgiveness? yeah right, it fueled the fire and got even hotter. this is because fighting words invite disobedience. when we use them we draw a line in the sand and invite our kids to cross it. but i'm not perfect and as i was sputtering out all this angry nonsense i was even thinking, "these are not thinking words, jenni. these are not thinking words." 

so ugly moments will happen. don't get too down about it and stop being so hard on yourself, we all loose it from time to time. and really the goal is that we get our kids thinking instead of fighting. this is a fine line, and i thought the book offered some good guidelines; 

fighting words

tell our kids what to do

"you get to work on that lawn right now!" 

tell our kid what we will not allow

"your not going to talk to me that way!"

tell our kids what we won't do for them

"i'm not letting you out of this 

house until you clean the living room." 

thinking words

tell our kids what we will allow

"feel free to join us for your next 

meal as soon as the lawn in mowed." 

tell our kids what we will do

"i'll be glad to read you a story 

as soon as you have finished your bath." 

tell our kid what we will provide 

"you may eat what is served or your may wait 

and see if the next meal appeals to you more."

so here is the truth, i can't post about everything in the book. there is so so much information, and i am just trying to share the highlights from each chapter. even though i am almost done reading the book, i have lots of blogging to catch up on. i highly recommend this book to anyone with children. it is a great go to book that you will want to keep around for a resource when your kids get older and the challenges change. i guess the choice is yours; you can get the cliffs notes version here or run out first thing tomorrow and buy the book. i also guess that i will never know either way. but you will have to live with yourself...so make a good choice! 

happy parenting! 

love and logic: i love your good choices!

a couple weeks ago i blogged about giving kids choices. i told you, (my loyal blog readers) that i was going to share some of my experiences with you. while i have daily success with offering choices, something bigger has happened and i am excited to share it!

once we got through the initial sleep training phase, coen would go to bed without a fuss. he would play, giggle, sing and chat after i placed him in his crib. i would listen to his playful squeaks on the baby monitor until he sweetly drifted off to sleep. it was heaven.

well, at about his second birthday he began to protest. all was good through our bedtime routine, but as soon as i shut the door he would break into a 5-alarm protest cry for 30 seconds to a minute and then go to sleep. i fed into it for a while, and it wasn't pretty. at first i thought maybe he was teething, then perhaps his ears hurt, or maybe just maybe he is scared and needs one more goodnight kiss. none of this helped, it all made it worse.

i am embarrassed to tell you what happened next. it became a battle of bribery. now, before i go on you may be thinking the very same thing my wonderful husband was saying the whole time, "it's only 30 seconds...who cares?!" i can't explain it, it just made my skin crawl. i found myself holding my breath as i walked out of his room, it just made me so so mad. okay now, back to the bribery. i started to bribe him with jelly beans if he didn't cry. when one jelly bean didn't work, i upped it to three. go big or go home, right? when that flat out failed, i started to threaten to take away all his sleep items. one by one. but did i? of course not, he would never go to sleep without them.

embarrassing, right? but totally honest. after all this i decided to join my husband's train of thought. i decided if i didn't draw attention to it surely he would get bored and give it up, eventually. there was no clear end in sight, and we kinda just got used to it. it wasn't like he was crying himself to sleep (been there, done that), just this horrific protest cry that never lasted more than a minute.

enter: love and logic. hand the problem back to the child. give them a choice. 2 weeks ago i started this dialog with coen when i place him in his crib. he hasn't cried since.

me: coen, can i sleep in your crib?

coen: (giggling) no, you are too big!

me: i am? that's a bummer. who gets to sleep in your crib?

coen: (still giggling)um...just lamby, nordy and coen.

me: what lucky ducks! where can mama sleep?

coen: (pointing to the wall and still giggling) mama sleeps over there in mama's bed!

me: oh, that's right! well, i am very tired and need to go to my bed now. you have two choices, you can be a sweet happy boy or a crying sad boy?

coen: (super giggling) i want to be a sweet happy boy.

me: you do? that is such a good choice, you sure make good choices. do i get one more kiss from my silly sweet happy boy?

seriously, that solved it. the first 2 times i used this dialog he actually chose to be a crying sad boy (i found that hilarious) and i finished it out by saying that he was sure a silly crying sad boy and asking for one more kiss. he was giggling too hard to actually cry when i left. he yelled as i shut the door, and that was it. after those first couple times, he switched his choice to being a sweet happy boy and now he starts giggling as soon as i place him in his bed. he looks forward to the dialog just as much as any other part of our routine.

i put him in control of the situation. well, as in control as i was willing to let him be. i wasn't ordering him to not cry, i tried that remember? i simply let him decide how he was going to react, but i was leaving either way. he thinks he won, i know i did. love that logic!

happy parenting!

love and logic: opportunities

children's mistakes are their opportunities

how much better to get wisdom than gold!

to get understanding is

to be chosen rather than silver.

proerbs 16:16

two rules of love & logic: effective and simple

rule number one:

adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats.

here are some examples:

-please feel free to join us for dinner when your room is clean.

-would you prefer to wear something nice to church or go in your pajamas?

-feel free to join us in the living room to watch some television once your chores are finished.

-you are free to use the car as long as your mother and i don't need it, once you have deposited the insurance deductible in a savings account, and as long as i don't have to worry about alcohol or drugs.

let's be honest, some of these seem a bit intense. the idea is that if you start using enforceable statements at an early age, then they are accustomed to it when the situations have higher risks.

rule number two:

when a child causes a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and it's consequences back to the child.

here are some examples:

-oh what a sad choice you made.

-bummer...

-oh how sad. that never turns out very well for me when i do that.

the truth is that love and logic parents seem to have very limited vocabularies and respond with the same phrases over and over, locking in the fact that you love them and feel sad when they make wrong choices.

there are a couple other points that fall under this rule as well;

-neutralize your child's arguing. if you child drags you into a battle, you are often ruining their chance to learn this bigger lesson. the book says that consultant parents, "blow in, blow off, and blow out...but they never blow up!"

-consequences can and often should be delayed. it is okay to acknowledge that something needs to be done, but that you are going to have to spend some time thinking about it. this is helpful when you are in the car, and really can't enforce the proper consequence. but also giving yourself time to come up with the perfect consequence is more beneficial than throwing something together in the heat of the moment. plus, letting you child sweat is out a bit ends up being part of the solution.

where does that leave me?

i am really good at giving coen choices. all day long coen is picking between, "this" or "that." i have even caught him giving his stuffed animals choices in the playroom, and a few times he has even offered ME up a couple choices. he responds really well to this parenting style, and i enjoy helping him learn to make good decisions everyday. i need to get better at using enforceable statements. i like to think that these statements are needed when there really isn't a choice, or the choice is really a form of discipline. often in these situations, my choices turn into threats...and that's not good! so i guess i need work on my enforceable statements. i'll get back to you on how it goes. happy parenting!

love and logic: positive self concept

responsible children feel good about themselves

even children make themselves known by their acts,

by whether what they do is pure and right.

proverbs 20:11

a love and logic parent knows that kids learn best and are responsible when the feel good about themselves. from a very early age we can give them a chance to to develop a much needed positive self concept. all too often the questions and phrases we say to our children are backed with negative messages. this happens without us even understanding the impact it might have on our child's self esteem. here are a couple examples the book gives;

when we say, "what are you doing that for?" the child hears, "you are not very competent."

when we say, "if i have told you once i have told you a thousand times." the child hears, "you are pretty dumb, and your neurons work sluggishly."

i think most often the damage is done in a more subtle manner. we tend to bark orders and demand power. why? because we are parent, gosh darn it! however barking orders at our children gives them no chance to think for themselves and the hidden messages are saying things like;

you don't take suggestions

you can't figure out the answer for yourself

you have been told what to do by a voice outside your head

i mentioned in my previous post, that love and logic parents offer choices and encourage their children to think for themselves. in addition to this, a love and logic parent needs to understand the three-legged table of self concept. the idea is that the building our child's self concept can be compared to a three-legged table. all legs must be strong and stable for the table to stand, if one leg is missing, goodbye table. our child's table is built through the implied messages we give. here is a quick overview of the 3 legs;

leg one: i am loved by the "magic people" in my life

our love for our children must always be unconditional. all to often parents hold back on showing love in hopes that it will make the child behave better, or break bad habits. sometimes we use all our "love" in trying to get our children to do their homework or chores that the real love gets put on hold. these children tend to believe that true love is dependent on their achievements. love and logic parents express there love unconditionally, showing the child, "there's a lot of love here for you regardless of the way you act here or anywhere else." when children really truly feel loved by the magic peoples in their lives, they set out to prove that their magic people are right.

leg two: i have the skills i need to make it

children to need to know that they have the skills people their age need to be successful. they must feel confident that they can compete with other kids in the classroom, on the ball field, or anywhere that kids interact. our children must know that within themselves they have everything they need to succeed. these powerful like skills are best learned through modeling. i loved this quote in the book, "don't get too uptight if our children don't always listen to us, but tremble in fear that they see what we do." our children are eager to model the tasks they see us doing, and often we are quick to judge the quality of their work. we must be good models for them, and not discourage them if they come up short.

leg three: i am capable of taking control of my life

many parents expect their children to be responsible for themselves. however, these are the same parents that are forever informing their kids when they are hot, cold, hungry, thirsty, or even when they need to go to the bathroom. when we give orders our children, they don't have the chance to think for themselves and feel like they have little control over their lives. love and logic parents make it a goal to give their children every opportunity to think about their choices, and the natural consequences that go along with them. the result is giving them ownership (with limits based on age) over their lives.

where does that leave me?

i love the simple model that love and logic suggests for parents to build their children's self concept. coen is at such a "helpful" stage, always wanting to watch me and copies my every move. it is so cute...yet, at times very frustrating. when i think that these little moments could be HUGE moments for building his self concept, it makes me want to slow down and swim in the experience with him. in fact, i love getting down on his level and seeing life his way. something i do not do often enough.

happy parenting!

love and logic: mission possible

mission possible: raising responsible kids

train children in the right way, and when old they will not stray.

proverbs 22:6

so here is the honest truth; these little beings that start out their journey in life 100% dependent on us for survival, will someday have to be 100% dependent on themselves. well, i guess they don't HAVE to be, they could grow up to always be dependent on others and never able to think for themselves. but ultimately we will be sending them out into this complex, fast changing world full of temptations and life-and-death decisions. surely, our hope is that they can think for themselves and make good responsible decisions. in other words, "those little tykes, so innocent and playful at our feet, will someday grow up. we want to do everything humanly possible for our children so that someday they can strut confidently into the real world. and we do it all in the name of love. but love can get us in trouble - not love itself per se, but how we show it. our noble intentions are often our own worst enemy when raising responsible kids."

the authors of love & logic say that some of the most disrespectful and rebellious kids come from homes where they were shown love, but it was just the wrong kind of love. exploring these "ineffective parenting styles" is very interesting. i think we all are guilty of part of these from time to time. it would take being perfect to not be.

ineffective parenting styles

helicopter parents

these parents hover over their children and rescue them at the first sight of trouble. they are forever running lunches, permission slips, and homework to school. often these parents feel that they are easing their their child's path into adulthood. these parents are always bailing their children out of any and every bind.

the turbo attack helicopter parent

this parenting style was added in the last revision of the book. the authors quote these parents as, "no longer just rescue and defend. they fly in with guns blazing and missiles locked to attack anyone who holds their child accountable for his or her actions." these parents are obsessed with creating a perfect world for their child, hoping they enter adulthood with the best credentials. these kids have remarkable resumes and are over scheduled in academics and extracurricular activities. turbo parents always make their child the victim, something that wears out the teachers and administrators that come into contact with them.

drill sergeant parents

these parents believe that to love their child they need to control them and insist that they not fail. kids of drill sergeant parents are consistently told what to do, and when given the chance to think for themselves they often make horrendous decisions. these parents are totally into power, never giving the child a chance to learn how to be responsible. these children often go through life very concerned about what everyone else thinks, and are often victims of peer pressure.

the effective parenting style of love & logic

the consultant parent

love and logic parents avoid the helicopter and drill sergeant mentalities by using a consultant style of parenting as early as possible in the child's life. they ask their children questions and offer choices. instead of telling their children what to do, they put the burden of decision making on their kids' shoulders. they establish options with limits. thus, by the time the children become teens, they are used to making good decisions.

a love and logic parent knows that by allowing their child to fail early, the cost is very minimal. natural consequences cost less when our kids are young, versus when they are older and the stakes are higher. sure it can be tough to watch our children fail, but these significant learning opportunities (SOLs), are the price we must pay to raise responsible kids. "we have a choice: we can hurt a little as we watch them learn life's lessons now, or we can hurt a lot as we watch them grow up to be individuals unable to care for themselves."

we set the boundaries of their failure based on their age and within the choices we given them. asking your rebellious 3 year, "would you like to go to the car with your feet on the ground or your feet in the air?" sets a reasonable and enforceable limit. either way they choose gets them in the car, but they are burdened with making the decision of how to get there. the key is to offer choices that are valid. saying something like, "get in the car, or i am leaving you here!" holds no value because you really wouldn't leave your 3 year old in a parking lot. both choices must be enforceable, and you must be willing to follow through even if they choose the harder of the two.

no matter how hard we try we cannot teach responsibility to our children. they must "catch" it through SOLs and observing the important people in their lives making responsible decisions. parents who raise responsible kids spend very little time and energy worrying about their kids' responsibilities; they worry more about how to let the children encounter SLOs for their irresponsibility.

where does that leave me?

like i said at the beginning of this post, most of us are guilty of using some of the ineffective parenting styles from time to time. i can for sure relate to wanting to protect my child and set them up for success. and i don't think that those are bad things, they are natural things. i am in total agreement with the love and logic mindset and have always been a big fan of giving choices. my growth needs to come in letting coen experience failure more often. i do believe that it is my responsibility as his mama to provide him with a safe environment to learn and grow. there is not much in our house that he can't play with. i have made it a focus to set him up for success within his own environment. this eliminates daily battles over small things, and opens up time for SLOs that are meaningful. i know that he won't always be in environments that are like this, but it would be irresponsible of me to leave sharp, breakable, expensive items laying around the house and expect him to make the choice to not touch them. by giving him a safe environment i am setting a limit on his failures. probably this is true even in raising teenagers; you aren't worried about them finding a pair of scissors but might want to put a lock on the liquor cabinet. i am excited about the idea that each toddler struggle i find myself in is an opportunity for a SLO. over the next week i am going to keep track of some of these opportunities and i will share them with you. happy parenting!

oh, one last thought...how did i ever live without this little person in my life?!

love and logic

when i was pregnant with coen people used to ask me if i was scared about raising a child. now, i totally didn't know what i was in for, even with all the experience i had, but i wasn't scared. perhaps maybe i should have been, but my honest answer was always, "no. not at all." the truth was that having an infant, toddler, preschooler, adolescent, or teenager didn't scare me at all...not one bit. having an adult child...um terrifying! i mean, don't get me wrong i am sure family gatherings with all the grand-kids are very fulfilling. but once that child grows into an adult they are a reflection of you. we have such a short time to teach them, grow them, and raise them into respectable and responsible adults. this whole parenting job is kind of a big deal. eep!

like i said earlier, i was well rehearsed for this gig. i have years of experience in early childhood education, babysat my way through college, a degree in elementary education, i have never ever had a paying job that did not involve kids...i get children, i was born for this. the catch is that when they are your kids you have an emotional connection to them unlike all the the other children i have taught, loved, and learned from. this emotional connection is a gift from God. when they hurt, you hurt. they are of you, and you can not imagine loving anything more than you love them. this relationship is the definition of unconditional love. praise Him for that! it is also this very connection that complicates things. our children are not born perfect, and as much as we would like to think that they are, we have to grow them into responsible adults that are able to make good life choices. i would love to say that i have this figured out, and if i did i would write a book about it. the truth is, there is not one set way to raise children. families are different, cultures are different, kids are different. however, there are many great resources out there to help parents stay focused, and not get caught up in that tangled emotional web that comes with disciplining and raising these most precious souls. as many of you know, coen is smack dab in the middle of being 2. two is fun, it is full, it is busy, and it is challenging. i want to look back on these years and remember that we thrived through them. there will be days of surviving, but i want them to be minimal. so i have decided that the many who have traveled this road before me, just may have some good insight that will make this journey ever more joyful. in short, i am reading a few good parenting books and i will blog my way through them in hopes that some of you will either join me in reading, or that my notes may offer some insight into your journey as a parent. reading a couple books won't turn me perfect, nothing will. but i am committed to learning, growing, and adapting as a parent on this chaotic bliss filled journey.

won't you join me in exploring the very popular book,

i have already begun, and it's a goody!